Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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