Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
