i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
