He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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