I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
