that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
