Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
