don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
