Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
