i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
