Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
