I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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