i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
