his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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