meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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