Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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