i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
