tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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