I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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