Hey man sorry I got all grabby
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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