I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
