I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
