I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
