I hate all girls vehemently.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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