woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
