He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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