trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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