Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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