I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
