We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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