then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
