My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
