She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
