what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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