I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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