I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you had me at cake vodka
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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