Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
