But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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