let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
