On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
