Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
