First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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