She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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