wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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