I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
