You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
