I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize