two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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