THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
