What a fucking waste of an outfit
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
