So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
