Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
