she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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