i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
