I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
