the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
