So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
