the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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