I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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